Mr. Jenkins
The Myth of Mr. Jenkins
The myth of Mister Jenkins is a very storied one, with multiple iterations. Some say that he is the reincarnated spirit of the legendary deceased Mizzou rowers of yesteryear. Others postulate that he is the physical manifestation of the curse that Zeus has placed on the rowing team for refusing to pay homage to his wonders. Some even contend that Mr. Jenkins is actually a female due to his lack of male reproductive organs. Yet it is the following tale that most accept and believe to be the true legend of Mister Jenkins.
Impregnated by a bobcat, the Siamese cat Cornelia bore Mister Jenkins from her womb, along with six other kittens. He was the only male of the litter; his given name was Donald. Spotted like a Dalmatian, and the runt of the litter, he had to fight to survive. Unable to reach any of his mother's six teats, he was abandoned to die either a slow, painful death of starvation, or a fast, painful death by the hands of an eagle. They also made fun of him for his spots. He crawled onto the MKT trail with the last ounces of his energy, searching desperately for sustenance. With his last dying kitten steps, he stumbled upon a granola bar left behind by an absent-minded rower from the rowing team that had just taken up practicing nearby. He devoured it, and felt his life rush back into him like a nude model rushing up the slide. The absent-minded rower also left a sock behind, which Donald played with. It was adorable.
Donald thought about his predicament, and with every passing moment, his hate for his biological family grew. Their treatment of poor Donald was sadistic. He craved vengeance. He could not hide his spots, no, but he could fool them into thinking that he was not the spotted cat that they had left behind. He tucked his genitals inside of a fold in his belly, and returned to his family to seek vengeance. Thinking that Donald was a female, Cornelia accepted this new strong kitten into her litter'she was much more impressive than that measly Donald that was most certainly dead. Donald frolicked with his sisters behind a tree. It was even more adorable than when he was playing with the sock, because there were leaves all around. Yet while wining over the hearts of the forest, he was plotting his revenge.
That evening, they had all cuddled up close for rest. Donald pretended to sleep, even snoring cute little kitten snores, until the time presented itself for him to strike. He arose, and climbed to the top of a hill they were sleeping under. He found a large rock, which looked sort of like a crushed gas can, and with all of his might, he pushed it. This was the cutest thing anything has ever done, because he was utterly incapable of moving the rock.
Donald prayed to Apollo. Apollo descended from Mt. Olympus to speak to Donald. He listened to Donald's wishes of vengeance. He granted Donald the strength to push the boulder, along with a few caveats. Donald's penis would never return to the outside of his body once his family was killed, and he must bear the grief of what he did outwardly, unless serving the gods. Donald agreed.
Apollo vanished, and Donald used all of the force that he had garnered and shoved the boulder down the hill. Apollo guided it so that it directly struck its target; his sisters were all killed instantly, Cornelia screeched like a cat that had a gigantic boulder on top of it that looked like a crushed gas can.
Donald raced down the hill to determine if his vengeance had been completely reapt. He came to the scene and saw Cornelia suffering. He glared at her, and hissed. He exposed his kitty penis, relaying to her his true identity. She looked longingly at Donald, understanding everything. She whimpered, "Donnie?"
Donald stared into her eyes, and said, "That was my slave name. That was the name that starved me and left me for dead. I am not Donald. I am Mister Jenkins."
He hissed at her and struck her with a bow to the face. He intended for that blow to be a fatal one, but he was still a kitten, so she just kind of stayed there in pain for another half hour. Mister Jenkins had already wandered off.
With Cornelia's last breath came Apollo to Mister Jenkins. He issued a declaration.
"Mister Jenkins, you have committed an act of vengeance, but also an act of dishonor. Forever now will your spots overcome you, covering your skin until it is dark as the evening sky, and your phallus will remain hidden. This will be your burden. This twilight fur will begin to grow extra tails, one for every one of your siblings that you killed, until you can devote yourself to a cause more noble than the one on which you acted upon. You will receive kibbles and/or bits from the nearby Perkins home, where I will be monitoring your status, ensuring that the tails grow so long as you do not serve. As well, you must always warn the inhabitants of the forest of the cursed gas-can stone, which can bring good to nothing. Goodbye, and may all of your dreams come true."
Mister Jenkins thought little of Apollo's punishment, for he was overcome with joy from his revenge. Within two days, he grew five tails, which terrified him. He then remembered the rowing team that so coincidentally spared him with its life-giving granola. He returned to the Perkins. in search of their shells, and found them laying on the grass. He understood. It was his job to protect them from the evils of Perche creek.
There Mister Jenkins has stayed, guarding the boats with his life for the last three years. He has used the boats to rub his extra tails off, however when they leave in the winter and summer, he is forced to live with the tails until the rowers return. He has taken a liking to us, and every purr he makes is a warning call to them to stay away from the cursed gas-can rock; many have heeded his warning, one has not.
There are hundreds other stories of Mister Jenkins, including his battles with the Otter King, his short alliance with Smokey the Dog, how he learned the art of tap dancing, and his surrender to The Swarm, but this is the most important one. He will watch over us forever, and his legend will only continue to grow.